Thank you for not sharing – 

Nov. 14, 2020 – “I gave in to my craving and watched porn,” he said. Silence. What exactly is one supposed to say? “Thanks for being so honest and transparent with me”?

All I wanted to do was scream and yell like a child, “Nooo! It’s not fair!”

“I need to be transparent with you.” Just a few words and my entire world felt like it was caving in. Crushing me.

Again.

My hopes, my dreams, my trust … shattered. Anger. Sadness. Loneliness filling its place. I was 24 years old, married for 4 years, with two children in tow and I was pregnant with a third when I found out about my husband’s porn addiction. My world turned upside down and it became very dark at that time in my life. In my extreme pain I miscarried the baby I was carrying.

What was the point? I assumed that we did not stand a chance to pull through the storm.

I sat in front of rabbis and therapists and begged, pleaded, for an easy way out. It would be easier to throw in the towel on our marriage. After all, I didn’t sign up for this!

It’s been almost two decades now. Two decades of this life of mine, being married to a porn addict. An addict in recovery.

Day in and day out I have chosen to stay. And that has been the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire life. I’ve been through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Yes, of course my situation comes with the pain and discomfort of holding onto fears, trauma, and uncertainty … I constantly need to keep my anger and ego in check. It takes work. And loads of faith.

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