Aug. 23, 2022 – I began by casually sipping beer at school parties. It wasn’t until the age of 12 that I started drinking liquor heavily, and even then, I absolutely did not enjoy the taste. But I didn’t care. Cheap vodka was preferable and I resorted to stealing sickly sweet bottles of alcohol from convenience stores, as it was easily hidden under my baggy teenage clothes. The only reason I can think of for drinking alcohol while so young was that it made me feel capable of being social, it made me feel pretty and brave; able to talk to boys or attend school functions. I would say I had many of the same problems faced by others my age; but I also had mental health issues and I believe I attempted to balance this by drinking. Alcohol was the only thing that made me feel like I was good enough for myself and the world around me. Ironically: my family and friends began to notice I was becoming angry, impulsive and irrational.

My eating disorder began around the same time as my drinking. I simply felt uncomfortable with myself; both physically and mentally. Any means of changing who I was fair game, and the only time I looked “skinny” or “sexy” enough to myself was when I was drunk.

I think I always knew I had a serious problem with alcohol. But truthfully I couldn’t have cared less. Throughout high school, I doused myself in green tea scented perfume. My friends caught on. “You smell like green tea again” actually meant: “We know you were chugging airplane bottles of vodka in the school bathroom stall again.”   


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