AUDIOYIN/YANG DING/DONG – 

Aug. 24, 2022 – I was a smoker for a long time, that was the one addiction I knew I had from the jump. I would say, “I’m going to read this chapter and then I’ll smoke a cigarette.” And, in time, I did that with alcohol. For some reason I thought that it counted as an event if there was alcohol involved. So yeah, I was worried about that. But it got to the point where I wasn’t able to remember what I read when I was drinking, and that scared the shit out of me. I’d have to read a book over and over. I mean, it still happens in sobriety for sure.  But then, going to school sober I realized, oh my god, I have a really good, new brain. I lamented the time that I didn’t take advantage of it because I was just numbing out. When I was drinking I remember that feeling of not being fully present, feeling like I need to get through my day so I could just be a gushy pile of nothing at the end of it. That was the goal. There’s so much life, you know? I’ve been spending a lot of time babysitting my nephews now, and I can really enjoy being present with them and taking them to the arcade or hiking. I took them to jujitsu the other day and I’m fully there. It’s neat to be in life.

But I do remember early on going to AA meetings and hearing people who had strokes and couldn’t read anymore, and that just scared the shit out of me. The idea of not be able to do this thing that I love so much was terrifying. Plus I got a book contract with a pretty big publishing company. Can you imagine if I was like, okay, let me just get drunk instead. Which is essentially what was happening. Like, oh, you don’t like the draft. Well, okay, maybe I’ll just drink.

more@LitHub

[ninja-popup ID=12216]