NOTHING VALUABLE –

Jan. 30, 2023 – That summer was hard. I spent a lot of time questioning my decision. Every declined drink felt like an opportunity missed, but later I was always glad I had skipped it. We spend summer weekends on a small barrier island with no cars. People stumble from bar to house party to bar, as if in a drunken parade. Late Saturday nights, the atmosphere can be chaotic, people staggering around, arguing, getting lost. Once, my friends walked home behind a man who was peeing while he zig-zagged his way up the sidewalk.

We often share these stories the next day on the beach, laughing, but it seemed less amusing after I stopped drinking. I got annoyed sitting at bars, with people shouting at one another over the music. Seeing a 60-year-old woman slip off her barstool made me sad. What was wrong with me? Everyone was just having a good time. What kind of person embraces abstinence during the hot vax summer?

If you’re someone who struggles with anxiety, as I do, setting rules can be a balm. During my senior year of college, with an uncertain future ahead, I put myself on a diet. Low fat and plenty of carbohydrates, following the guidelines of the day. I ate pretzels, Rice Krispies with skim milk, and pizza without the cheese. Snackwell cookies were my guilty pleasure. I lost 15 pounds and my hair thinned before I realized I was restricting my eating out of fear of uncertainty. I dropped the diet, but the underlying urge to be disciplined is still woven into my nature.

Click@WBUR