Mom Lived and Died An Alcoholic and It Haunts Me

FAMILY TIES –

May 24, 2022 – At some point that “fun” drinking turned into a nightly routine that meant I couldn’t have important conversations with my mum past a certain hour, because they’d turn into an argument, or she would not remember them. I began to live in fear that my mum would fall down the stairs when drunk, or have some other accident. I felt an immense pressure to protect her, but helpless in my ability to. I was always an anxious child, and that anxiety increased hugely.

Then she’d wake up, shake off the hangover and achieve great things during the day. That’s the magic of a high functioning alcoholic. It is maybe why she managed to avoid admitting – even to herself – that she ever had a problem.

I looked into the effects of having an alcoholic parent a while back and saw myself in that list. A need to people-please, an inability to deal with confrontation, anxiety, being overly sensitive and a need to fix everything and everyone. I realised the person I became as an adult was not only expected, but normal.

My Mum never abused us. She was often a sad drunk, rather than an angry one. But she’d have intense arguments with boyfriends and I remember a few times she would call me scared and drunk in the middle of the night because they’d become physical.