MAYBE? –

Dec. 7, 2023 – Dear Hera,

Is it possible to stay in a (happy) relationship with an addict? 

When I met this person three months ago, it was by chance, and we fell in love very quickly. He’s smart, sexy, emotionally intelligent, charismatic, kind and thoughtful; I have never felt so loved and understood. Initially, I wasn’t aware of the extent of his cocaine use – I knew he used it, but not how much a part of his life it was – but as we got to know each other it became more apparent. 

His experience with addiction and recovery has been quite turbulent over the past several years: he was sober and clean for 18 months at one point; six months ago he was using multiple times a week. Now, he uses roughly every three weeks and he’s currently in therapy for substance abuse. 

Over the past few months, he’s tried sobriety in varying forms – not drinking and not using, then drinking and not using – but he has relapsed three times (always when drinking). He’s very open about it with me and feels an enormous amount of shame and guilt each time, and I feel deeply for him. I have tried supporting him the best I can and I love him so much, but I’m finding the cycles of relief, anxiety and heartache almost too much to bear. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Heartbroken 

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