Yeah, you and William Burroughs –

May 23, 2019 – Opioids made me truly happy for the first time in my life.

Ever since preschool I’ve suffered from insomnia, fits of depression and the occasional meltdown. The stress of living with a mentally ill mother (she suffers from severe anxiety and occasional delusions) only made matters worse.

I spent most of my childhood being ferried from doctor to doctor. None seemed to know what was wrong with me. Most recommended a variety of heavy medications. At different points since elementary school, I’ve taken everything from antipsychotics to antidepressants, lithium to Latuda. Some of them made me sick, weak or confused. I once missed three months of school when one drug (Abilify) gave me a movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia. This peculiar condition caused my face to twitch and my legs to spasm; I couldn’t navigate stairs or walk far without assistance. 

It took 18 years for all of these alleged professionals to realize I had autism—not a personality disorder. That means my brain’s built differently. I wasn’t sick after all. Of course the meds weren’t helping, so they decided to wean me off of them. 

I’m still not exactly sure why I first decided to try opioids at the age of 18. Boredom, maybe?

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