Creativity and Love Relationships

Seasons Change, So Can We!

“Passion is one great force that releases creativity, because if you are passionate about something, you are more willing to take risks.”  — Yo-Yo Ma

In relationships, creativity is often overlooked as a vital skill in building and maintaining healthy partnering. Creativity is not just an artistic endeavor; it is much more than that. Creativity involves questioning our beliefs and opening up to alternate perspectives, essential for resolving issues. As Albert Einstein famously said, “You can’t solve problems with the same mindset that created them.”

A research article published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that “Creativity is the power of human mind to create new contents by transforming relations and generating new correlates” – in other words, having a mutual connection in which one thing affects or depends on another. (Charles Spearman, British Psychologist, 1931). In working with people to build healthier relationships with themselves and others, creativity bubbles to the top.

Why is Creativity So Important in Relationships?

The problems of modern-day life cry out for creative solutions! Half of all American marriages end in divorce. Couples fall in love and out of love. Toxic relationships, whether with a romantic partner, parent, boss, or in the political arena, can block creativity and lead to devastating side-effects: Anger, anxiety, depression, insecurity, low self-worth, shame, confusion, and self-doubt. Dissatisfaction can really shake things up, changing the status-quo of the relationship. Couples get tired of trying to “fix” it, tired of bouncing about in pain, so the temptation is to simply walk away rather than look inside.

How is it that some couples see a marital crisis as a reason to end the relationship, while others see it as a potential turning point for the better, a way of getting unstuck?

Here lies the role of creativity!

In healthy relationships, one needs the ability to transcend traditional roles, rules, and patterns, and come up with options that create responsible, reciprocal adult dynamics. Highly creative individuals tend to form stronger emotional bonds, as creativity is linked to openness to new experiences and seeing partners through “rose-colored glasses,” leading to more positive relationship outcomes. Highly creative individuals exude an energy about them that draws potential mates and forms emotional bonds that can grow with time. Creativity may be associated with the ability to see a partner through “rose-colored glasses” and see a partner more favorably than that partner might view him/herself. These “positive partner illusions” have been linked to more positive relationship outcomes overall.

Examples from the Movies

The film “The Story of Us,” starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer, illustrates how tapping into creativity can offer a new beginning in a relationship. After 15 years of marriage, Ben and Katie are trying to figure out what has gone wrong. What has turned their loving relationship into a sham — two good folks, with two good kids ─  who live clothed in anger and misery for the benefit of their children, while behind the scenes they vent their animosity because they can no longer stand each other. After sending their kids off to summer camp, they agree to a trial separation. In flashback scenes, we see both of them seriously reflect on what led them to fall in love in the first place, and present-day good and bad times. Katie’s primary complaint is that Ben does not “hear” her. We can identify with the issues driving their marital crisis and are privy to the yelling matches, the erosion of a sense of self, the whittling down of one’s self-esteem. Now, they must decide if their marriage is salvageable, or if it’s time to move on.

When a marriage comes apart, it’s painful. In the film, love for their children encourages the couple to search for their own role, and find creative solutions of their marital problems. They rediscover ways to grow, to communicate their individual needs, and they turn a corner.

Another example is Tyler Perry’s film “Why Did I Get Married?” Based on Perry’s book, it’s about the difficulty of maintaining a solid relationship in modern times. It illustrates what can go wrong in a dysfunctional, overly-demanding, too busy marriage, and explores what are the basic, normal needs in a healthy relationship — belonging, attachment, sexual and emotional intimacy, and emotional safety. These issues are all real challenges in couples’ therapy, especially since couples can view marriage from such totally different perspectives, running the gamut from love and respect, to seeing marriage as a game of “what’s in it for me.”

In the film, four best-friend couples meet together in a cabin once a year to catch up on things.  As the week progresses, the couples begin to open up about problems within their marriages: They grapple with issues of commitment, love, betrayal and forgiveness. One couple, Mike and Sheila, discuss Mike’s affair, and how Sheila’s weight makes her no longer attractive to him. However, Mike, her not-so-better-half, spends his days either needling her about her weight, or cheating on her. Sheila, devastated by Mike’s infidelity, announces that her life is “nothing” without him. Their conflict forces the other couples to discuss the issue of: Can you get everything you need from your spouse?

Through the characters in the film, as we get into the details of each couple’s relationship, and we are witness to the dysfunctional relationship dynamics of dominance and submission; of the slippery balance between the “I” and the “we,” and how partners can both build each other up or put each other down. We are privy to the erosion of a sense of self, the whittling down of one’s self-esteem ― as in the case of Sheila and her weight problem.

How should these four couples, as well as the rest of us in similar situations, proceed?

7 Ways to Handle Marriage Problems Creatively

In a world in which so many couples divorce, it would be ideal if we could all develop creative strategies to identify and resolve a conflict when it happens. If only we could nip it in the bud by sitting down and having a creative win-win dialogue to better understand, even welcome, differing perspectives that might lead to growth, change, and outcomes that could benefit each partner.

When we tap into creativity in our relationships, rather than trying to manipulate other people to change, we look for multiple possibilities to solve the same problem. Rather than my way or your way, the creative mind comes up with a third, fourth, or fifth possibility.

1. Stay Put:   Running away from issues isn’t the answer. Face them head-on. It can lead to healthier dynamics. The rewards for staying put and mending what is broken may make the relationship better than ever, so avoid the impulse to run. One couple framed a sign and hung it by the front door: “Nobody Leaves!”

2. Explore Past Situations: Examine past conflicts. Try to remember what your mindset or thinking was at the time. What did you chose to believe, and what was the resulting outcome? Consider what creative alternatives you could have employed, and how they might have changed the outcome. You can start by examining any situation in the past that didn’t end up the way you wanted it to go.

3. Move Beyond Reactive States: When people are in a reactive state of mind, they shift into offensive emotions, such as blaming, criticizing, judging, attacking, finding fault or “he said/she said” finger-pointing in order to justify their position. Once a person falls into these negative reactions, they become stuck in one of the three cornerstones of a power struggle ─ dominating, manipulating, and/or controlling to get unmet needs met. No one gets “heard,” which leads to a further breakdown in communications. An explosive communication style is an obstacle for taking the next step.

4. Welcome Differing Perspectives: Dissatisfaction can be a catalyst for change. Engage in open, creative dialogues to understand and appreciate different viewpoints. This approach can lead to growth and mutually beneficial outcomes. Both “pleasers” and “controllers” need to learn that other ways of living in the world are possible.

5. Explore New Possibilities: Creativity in relationships is about exploring options, and allowing for the free flow of novel ideas. Rigid adherence to familial, social, or cultural dogma makes it almost impossible to perceive and value personal choices.

6. Educate Each Other About Differences: Freud once asked, “What do women want?” He’s not the only man who has asked this question. Women are often equally at sea about how men think and feel. Both sexes assume the other thinks the same way. They don’t. There are differences. Educate each other. It can be enlightening.

7. Know Your Goal: Some couples go the couples’ therapy to save a marriage, others go to find reasons to quit: “We tried everything, even therapy, and nothing worked.” Perhaps, a goal is not to solve your problems, but to help you decide if you even want to — to gain clarity and confidence about a path forward.

Remember, creativity in relationships is about finding novel solutions and perspectives. It’s a journey of mutual understanding, growth, and deepening connections.