WE ALL DO RECOVER –

11/02/2021 – Dating sites provided a platform for me and many other trans women to find people who were attracted to us, without the need to laboriously explain we were trans. We were admired and celebrated for our decision to transition and to live in our truth. The majority of people who used the site did so from a place of wholeness and self-empowerment. Friends who also used these sites spoke of healthy interactions and were able to establish clear boundaries. For me though, this continuous stream of praise and validity quickly became addictive and dysfunctional. As a transgender woman in early transition, I had craved external validation from cis-men to fill the gaping hole of love and self-acceptance I felt within myself. I continually allowed these flirtations to reinforce my own womanhood by seeking unavailable people to provide my self-worth where society couldn’t. I knew I was being infantilised, objectified and fetishised through these fleeting encounters, but where else was I being validated?  It became clear to me that like all my earlier addictions, casual sex was not bringing positivity into my life. Quite the opposite, it stripped away my shine of sobriety. I felt guilt, fear and shame. I was back to square one and I resented myself once again. I’d heard people in my recovery groups talk about SLAA (sex and love addiction). I wondered if my recent activity meant I would qualify. The first time I entered an SLAA meeting I felt a huge sense of relief. It was finally the place where I could talk about all the problematic behaviour that had recently caused me to feel awful about myself. Situated in a local church hall, I felt an immediate kinship with the other attendees. It was similar to the experience of AA, but for me much deeper. Hearing other people share about their own traumatic experiences and dysfunctional relationships with people was illuminating and comforting. Knowing I was in a safe space to speak honestly took away my own shame. It allowed me to let go.

Rhiannon Styles is the author of ‘Help! I’m Addicted; A Trans Girls Self-Discovery and Recovery’  

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